Study Says That People Who Drink Black Coffee Are More Likely To Be Psychopaths

Details- Do you like your coffee the way you like your bad-luck cats and your cavernous, empty soul? Well, make sure you keep that to yourself or least put a lid on your caffeine beverage of preference, because word is out that liking black coffee is a sign that you’re probably a psychopath. A study published in the journal Appetite has confirmed a link between a taste for bitter foods and “malevolent personality traits,” specifically “psychopathy and everyday sadism.” Researchers at Innsbruck University in Austria recruited 500 men and women for the test. They were given a list and asked to indicate their preference of particular foods from the sweet, salty, sour, and bitter taste categories, as well as how much they liked sweet, sour, salty, and bitter foods, respectively. The participants then completed four different personality tests. “Taken together, the results suggest that how much people like bitter-tasting foods and drinks is stably tied to how dark their personality is,” the study authors write.

I don’t wanna throw stones at any coffee drinker because I think coffee is the greatest thing on Earth but if you don’t drink your coffee black then you’re just a big ol’ puss. Simple as that.  Those of us who drink black coffee aren’t the weird ones or the psychopaths.  Trust me. Black coffee is delicious.  It’s the people who feel the need to turn their morning coffee into a science experiment who are the psychopaths.  We’re talking about the people who take 20 minutes to order their drink because there’s so many steps to it. There needs to be a separate line for those people. Let those of us who drink coffee the way God intended it to be be on our way. Again, it’s fine if you need to put milk or sweetener or whatever in your coffee.  Do whatever you can to get that sweet sweet caffeine coursing through your veins.  You are well within your bounds to do so but just know that you’re a puss*.  People like me are judging you.

You know who the real psychopaths are?  The weirdos who don’t drink coffee at all. Those are the people you gotta look out for. Those are the people who might slice your throat when you’re not looking. The people whose heads can pop off their pillow and are ready to attack the day.  What is their deal? I know I’ve built up a caffeine dependency at this point but the fact that there are people walking around all day who have had zero caffeine truly amazes me. It’s fitting because they amaze me in the same way that psychopathic killers amaze me. I don’t get it at all but I’m very interested.

*This is only for hot coffee by the way. If you’ve never had iced coffee with milk and sweetener then you’ve never tasted angel tears.