Pray For The Moon! Bryce Harper is Single Again!!!

Washington Post – There was no fairy-tale wedding last weekend for Nats slugger Bryce Harper and Ohio State soccer player Kayla Varner — because there was no wedding at all, multiple sources confirmed. It was unclear if the nuptials, scheduled for January 2 and 3 (one ceremony was to take place at a Mormon temple), were merely postponed or canceled altogether. Multiple attempts to reach both parties were unsuccessful. The lead-up to the wedding was a public one, with the prospective bride and groom — both 22 and Las Vegas-area natives — sharing preparations and proclamations of love over social media. But signs of a rift were evident in the last few weeks. Varner last posted a photo of the couple together on November 30, a day after she chronicled her bridal shower on Instagram. As with many millennial couples, social media played a large role in the relationship between Harper and Varner. Now, those online connections seem to be severed. Neither follows the other on Twitter, and they have changed their online biographies to remove references to one another. Varner’s used to read, “student, ohio state soccer, family, my love @BHarper3407.” His was “family. My beautiful fiancee @Kayvarner! DC. 220. Nothing More Nothing Less.” She changed her Instagram bio to “the best is yet to come,” then once more to a reference to the Book of Mormon; he removed all descriptions. It appeared, too, that they spent the holidays apart, with each posting about their respective families. And despite the turmoil of a canceled wedding, Harper and Varner both seemed upbeat in recent posts. Harper posted a photo of himself on New Year’s Eve wearing a custom-made jacket with lining bearing the Nationals logo and his jersey number, 34.

You can hate on Harper all you want, but what you can’t do is argue with science. Being single makes you better. It’s called the Wozniacki Effect and it’s tried and true. Break off the engagement with your chick, get pussy, win championships. That sound you just heard was the rest of the league pounding their fists on the table. A single Bryce Harper is the scariest Bryce Harper. Moon shots are going to be as regular and outrageous as the strange he’s going to tame. We’re talking about a 22 year old (former?) Mormon who is going to get after it. I’m predicting .330, 34 HRs, and 230 vaginas beaten in.

PS: What’s up with chicks after break ups when they feel they have to be all religious? Calm down ladies, you don’t need to go find an answer from Jesus. Just hop onto another dick. It’s really not as complicated as you’re making it out to be.