HOT BUTTON ISSUE: Is Tortilla A Bread?

Banks2/18/2015 9:43 PM

BREAKING NEWS: John Harbaugh is giving up chocolate and bread for Lent.
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) February 18, 2015

Don’t think a taco counts as bread. https://t.co/RNPedm0K6e
— Baltimore Ravens (@Ravens) February 18, 2015

So Harbs just had his annual press conference at the NFL combine, as most coaches did today. Of course there were discussions about the state of the team, pending free agents, the status of Pitta’s hip, and so on and so forth. Good, great, grand, wonderful.

But a far more pressing issue came to the forefront. When asked what he was giving up for Lent, he replied “Chocolate and Bread”. While that decision is awesome because we are going to have the strongest, fittest coach of all time come Easter, it’s the follow-up question that has sparked a hot debate across this great nation: “Are tortillas bread?” And I sat here stumped. Yes..but no. No..but kind of yes. So we have to get to the bottom of this. For me, for you, and especially for Coach Harbs. Gotta build the wall! Or whatever that garbage company line is. Let’s get to it.

A fairly sensible approach to start off would be to figure out the very definition of the word “tortilla”. Let’s have a looksie…

Tortilla – a thin, round, unleavened bread prepared from cornmeal or sometimes wheat flour, baked on a flat plate of iron, earthenware, or the like.

AHA! So by its very own definition, tortilla IS a bread. Simple enough. Harbaugh has sailed himself down shit creek without a paddle until Easter. He thought he was doing Jesus a solid by giving up tasty sandwiches for 40 days, but he didn’t account for the full ramifications of his sacrifice. No tacos, no burritos, no chimmichangas for Coach. Just straight up protein and cheese itz for him. He’s going to come out of this thing looking like the Mountain. So look like the case is closed, tortillas = bread, right?

WAIT! WHAT’S THIS?!?!

Harbs has exercised his right to use the challenge flag! A good man never goes down without a fight. Let’s go under the hood and pull that dictionary back out…

Bread – food made of flour, water, and yeast or another leavening agent, mixed together and baked.

We’ve got a good old-fashioned contradiction on our hands folks. If the very definition of bread requires a “leavening agent”, then how can a tortilla possibly be a bread in the first place?? Up is down, left is right, I’m more confused than ever. Completely stumped. I didn’t want to have to do this but I’m calling kangaroo court on this one. Basic literary tools are of no use to us. So I’ll just settle this myself.

Many would say that because tortillas generally serve the same function as bread, they’re one in the same. They’re both basically wheat and flour, but in 2 different forms. But wouldn’t pasta fall under that category as well? The ingredients are basically the same. And you generally don’t eat it on its own either. It’s an engine for tomato sauce, butter, cheese, and/or meats to go down your gullet, and it’s there as a complement. So if pasta gets its own distinction, shouldn’t tortillas as well? I realize that sounds like a stretch of the imagination, but at the same time it’s totally not. Pasta is pasta. Bread is bread. And tortillas are tortillas. And that’s my decision here. Taco to your hearts’ desire, Coach.

This is still America, so the Stoolies still get their say. Vote 1 for tortillas are bread for sure and vote 10 for tortillas are their own food.