Manti Te'o Finally Did It, He Got Himself A Real Flesh And Blood Girlfriend (Who Is Actually Really Hot)
NY Post – Manti Te’o has bounced back nicely.
The Chargers linebacker, who was at the center of a catfishing scandal during his final season at Notre Dame when his terminally ill long-distance gal pal was revealed to be an elaborate hoax, has given love another shot. He’s been linked to model Jovi Nicole.
Per Black Sports Online, the pair have kept their romance quiet, though the third-year pro has made a handful of cameo appearances on the young beauty’s Instagram feed.
Slide into yo imaginary DMs like:
When I saw that headline, my first reaction genuinely was “Good for Manti Te’o, he needed this.” And there was no reason to think that, this guy is now a multimillionaire playing semi-competently for an NFL team that’ll be based in Los Angeles soon, life is good for him. But that whole reveal of his fake girlfriend was SO sad and so lame that I actually felt bad for the guy. In fact, if that same piece revealing the fake girlfriend happened now, I bet the angry Internet types would kill Deadspin for cyberbullying and there’d probably be some disorder that exists to explain why he concocted up this whole fake human life which would result in similarly afflicted people protesting over how they’re unfairly persecuted. So whatever the case may be, good for Manti Te’o getting on the scoreboard and having tangible digital proof of a woman, let along a chick as hot as this Jovi Nicole.
There are more pics of Jovi below but here’s a tangential story: When I was in high school, there was this really smelly kid who we’ll call Carlos. Carlos wasn’t really a bad kid, just didn’t really fit in because he was a bit dumb, socially off and also smelled really potently awful (in an overwhelming way that probably is a serious health issue but at the time was just gross and easy to make fun of; one time some older kids on our football team tackled him in the locker room and sprayed him and all his belongings in Febreze and today this probably would have been a hate crime). Anyway when we were in tenth grade, he pretended he had a girlfriend and would talk about her all the time, his most famous view of her being that she was so down for sex all the time. One time he “admitted” she gave him a blowjob during a showing of DMX’s action film opus Exit Wounds and that was just a bridge too far to suspend disbelief. So one day over AIM, a few of us trapped him in a lie to figure out she wasn’t real, printed out the chat transcript and roasted him pretty hard at school the next day to the point where everyone knew he was now Fake Girlfriend Guy. There was never another girl mentioned again for the rest of our time in school. Fast forward several years and me along with a few buddies of mine are now friends with Carlos on Facebook and we all collectively notice he’s talking to/about girls all the time, they’re commenting positively on mirror selfies of him in which he’s trying to look “grown and sexy” even though he definitely looks exactly the same and not at all attractive in any way. He even seemed to be in a long-distance relationship with a big but fairly done-up black girl in another state. Then one day, one of my friends baffled by this saw a like from Carlos on the Facebook page for a movie called Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives pop up in his feed. Then it all clicked together like the ending of Usual Suspects. Carlos was not suddenly a grown and sexy lothario with hoards of lady fans. No, he actually was now a tranny enthusiast who was a part of a whole online community of them dressing up and doing shows and calling each other “Little sis” like a sorority full of women who only learned to act like girls from watching Moulin Rouge. He himself didn’t dress up, at least publicly, but he was clearly a big fan of their offerings in often very descriptive ways on social media. I assume he found happiness with this stuff so I’m all for it but in the back of my mind, I can’t help but feel like my going Encyclopedia Brown on his fake girlfriend drove Carlos to a life of Tofurkey chicks for the rest of his days.
So the bottom line for me: I’m genuinely glad Manti Te’o was able to get a non-imaginary women to love him but I’d check his Netflix queue for Ticked Off Trannies with Knives just to be safe.
Anyway here are the pictures of Jovi Nicole. Congrats to her for not being a cardboard cutout of Kelly Kapowski tied to a fishing line like Kevin McCallister pretending to have a party in Home Alone: