In Honor Of Girl Scout Cookies Now Being Sold Online, Here Is The Official Girl Scout Cookies Breakdown
New York Times- Girl Scouts are adding digital marketing to their formidable arsenal of charm, cuteness and perseverance to sell millions of boxes of Thin Mints, Samoas and other longtime cookie favorites.
After years of prohibiting Internet sales, the Girl Scouts of the U.S.A., the group’s national organization, has approved “Digital Cookie,” a platform for scouts to sell and ship the colorfully boxed cookies to friends and relatives around the country.
Under the program, each scout may have her own cookie website, which customers can gain access to only if the scout sends them an emailed invitation. No identifying information about the scout may be posted so that it is visible publicly. Another option is a mobile app that includes credit card processing and direct shipping.
The digital program begins this month in a limited number of areas where scouts have started cookie sales, and will start nationally in January when most of the 112 Girl Scout councils begin the cookie sales season.
Until yesterday, I thought the smartest business decision of all-time was to extend a Black Friday sale into Cyber Monday. And then the Girl Scouts came out of nowhere and turned the entire e-commerce industry on its head. Now you don’t have to awkwardly ask Bill from accounting if his daughter is still a Girl Scout. Or hear from Marcia the receptionist how the secret to eating Thin Mints is freezing them. No shit, Marsh. Freezing Thin Mints is like shaking a Snapple bottle. Only functioning idiots just tear right into them without the proper preparation.
And while I would like to hate on the Girl Scouts for waiting until the end of 2014 to allow online ordering, it actually is kind of brilliant. They have limited the availability of the cookies for so long, the minute you hear the words Samoas and Tagalongs, you are drooling like Pavlov’s dog and instinctively shell out $4 per box. I guarantee that every Girl Scout meeting in the country starts with them reciting The Ten Crack Commandments like the Pledge of Allegiance. Straight up slinging desserts Scarface style and laughing all the way to the fucking bank. God Bless America.
So in honor of the Girl Scout Cookies finally catching up with the technology of the 90s, here is my breakdown/rankings of all Girl Scout Cookies:
12. Cranberry Citrus Crisps: Nice try, Girl Scouts. I guarantee this cookie came out when the scouts were trying some new health initiative. Cranberries suck and citrus is a nice way of saying “orange, lemon, and a bunch of shitty flavors”. They probably sell these in Mrs. Greens all year round so fat kids have something they can have for dessert.
11. Lemonades: Simply put, fuck you if you like lemon flavored cookies.
10. Savannah Smiles: They named this cookie after a porn star, right? Anyway, fuck you again if you like lemon flavored cookies. The powdered sugar and potentially sexual name bumps these up the list, however.
9. Rah-Rah-Raisins: The only time it is acceptable to eat raisins is in cookies. It is never acceptable to eat Greek yogurt, however. These made it to #9 because the name is fun to say.
9. Thanks-A-Lot: A pretty boring cookie. Should be called Go-Fuck-Yourself.
7. Trios: Chocolate chips + peanut butter + oatmeal cookie = Perfect, right? Almost. But this is a gluten free cookie, which only enables more people who don’t need to eat gluten-free to do so. These people are the worst people on planet Earth. Little known fact: ISIS actually started as a gluten-free support group.
6. Shortbread: As boring as the day is long. But there is some major nostalgia with shortbreads, since they were probably the first cookie ever created in the history of Earth. The missionary position of the cookie industry.
5. Do-si-dos: Oatmeal and peanut butter cookies on their own are heavyweights in the game. Combined they create this gem. However, we have all been in that situation where you say “I want the peanut butter cookies” and someone gave you Do-si-dos when you really wanted Tagalongs. Greek tragedy type stuff.
4. Toffee-tastic: Toffee is the most underrated candy in the game. You never see anyone eat Heath bars, but whenever you hear someone get toffee cookies or toffee in their ice cream, you tip your cap. The entire marketing department at Heath bar should be fired for this reason alone. And don’t complain about getting toffee in your teeth. Corn in the cob is one of the best parts of summer, and that shit lives in your teeth from Memorial Day until Labor Day.
3. Thin Mints: The Kobe Bryant of Girl Scout cookies. Both have been around forever and have a ton of fan fare. But their reputations these days are better than their actual performance. Putting Thin Mints in the freezer is like Kobe getting his blood doctored in Germany. It helps for a short time, but they will never be the best again.
2. Tagalongs: These things are the clear #2 and are peanut buttery smooth like Kevin Durant. But they miss that extra gear to put them over the top.
1. Samoas: Caramel, chocolate, and coconut on a cookie is the complete package. Samoas are like LeBron James. They are the best around and any debate trying to prove otherwise is just hating on the king.