Jonathan Papelbon Is a Bum

Yo, FUCK Jonathan Papelbon. Fuck that guy. He needed to record 3 outs before he allowed 3 runs to the Royals last night and couldn’t do the job. And look, I get it, closers blow games here and there. But Papelbon looks awful in the process. His fastball velocity peaks at 92. And this:

MASN - No, strictly in a baseball sense, Papelbon’s biggest flaw is a simple one: He doesn’t miss very many bats anymore. He used to, back in his days as a World Series winning closer for the Red Sox when he struck out nearly 30 percent of all batters he faced. And even during his first three years with the Phillies, when that rate fell but only to 26.6 percent. Since joining the Nationals, that rate has plummeted to 16.7 percent. Papelbon used to strike out three of every 10 batters he faced. He now strikes out just one of every six.

“He’s our closer. There’s a lot of closers that don’t miss bats,” manager Dusty Baker said. “It’s a matter of location, more than anything.” That’s not entirely true. The only closer with at least 20 saves over the last two seasons and a lower strikeout rate than Papelbon is Arizona’s Brad Ziegler, a unique case given his sidearm throwing motion.

What does this mean? It means Papelbon is either going to be an anomaly of a closer, an outlier who can have a Swinging Strike % of 6.6, or he’s a fucking bum who shouldn’t be in the closer’s role.

Now, to be fair, the sample size isn’t huge and Papelbon is still 9/11 in save chances this season. But teams are hitting the ball hard against him. He isn’t coming in and getting 1-2-3 innings or blowing pitches by batters. He looks nothing like how you expect a major league closer to look. And keep in mind, he’s an arrogant asshole who is only on the team because his contract is too big and his pitching is too shitty for any team to trade for him.

What’s going to happen? Oh, well all know it all too well. Papelbon is going to blow a couple more saves. He’s going to blame everything and everyone besides himself. He will get booed at Nats Park. He’ll make some shit head remark to the media. He’ll get yanked from the closer’s role. And then he’ll either shit the bed in middle relief or refuse to show up the park at all. Obviously that’s how it will play out in my mind, but that sounds aboutttttt right.

I’m not rooting for him to fail. Him failing means the Nats are failing which doesn’t make me happy. I hope Papelbon never blows a save again for the Nats. But that’s improbable and impossible. Filipe Rivero should be this team’s close and Papelbon should be sent on a 1-way mission to Mars. He’s a bum, he acts like a bum, and he pitches like a bum.

PS: Does anyone know what’s up with Bryce and his girl? Bryce is in a superrrrrrr slump and clearly it has something to do with that ex-fiance/gf/ex-gf of his. Whatever she’s doing she can cut that shit out ASAP.