Kellogg's Is Opening An All-Cereal Restaurant In Times Square, With Bowls Of Cereal Going For $7.50
NYDN- Snap, crackle, preposterous. The hippest new Times Square restaurant believes breakfast cereal is the most important meal of the day — and will cater to a clientele eager for food and childhood flashbacks of Tony the Tiger and Toucan Sam. Kellogg’s NYC opens on the Fourth of July on Broadway at 49th St., with a menu that is not necessarily just for kids. Or for many residents of the five boroughs. “It’s not for us anyway, it’s for the tourists,” said Art Alvaradi, 41, of Astoria, Queens. “They don’t know any better.” The $7.50 cereal bowls — a few bucks more than a whole box of Corn Flakes — come in a half-dozen flavors, such as Raisin Bran, the circus, toasted peanuts and banana chips. Berry Me in Green Tear jazzes up Rice Krispies with fresh strawberries and green tea powder. Pistachio & lemon mingles Special K Original, Frosted Flakes, pistachios, lemon zest and thyme. Each bowl comes with a 12-ounce container of milk — and adding yogurt is an extra $2, as is adding soft-serve ice cream.
We might as well get the “Grand Opening, Grand Closing” Jay-Z line ready, because this restaurant is dead before it even opens. Now don’t get me wrong, I love cereal. Probably my second favorite breakfast behind a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich, with an everything bagel taking the bronze. However, while I think tourists that spend most of their time in Times Square are dumb, you have to be legitimately braindead to pay $7.50 for a bowl of goddamn cereal. This is especially true when it comes to Kellogg’s cereals. Looks at that ragtag crew above. Tony The Tiger is the LeBron James of that squad, just carrying the Kellogg’s name like Bron carried the Cavs. Sure Special K holds its own when it comes to sales and is beloved by white chicks just like Kyrie. But Frosted Flakes clearly wears the crown of that brand and its not even close (for what it’s worth, the unpictured Raisin Bran Crunch is criminally underrated). But that Kellogg’s team is trash outside a couple of stars.
There are only two ways I see a cereal restaurant succeeding in Times Square. One would be for it to be as much about the toppings as the cereals. TCBY has been a moneymaker for years and they sell frozen yogurt. There is no worse feeling than when your girlfriend/wife buys frozen yogurt instead of ice cream. Frozen yogurt is the ultimate dick tease, but TCBY has stayed in business forever by slinging M&Ms and hot fudge on shit and tricking our brains into thinking that it isn’t gross as frozen yogurt.
The other way to succeed is for the Kellogg’s store to sell General Mills cereals instead. Look at this murderers row.
What an absolute BEATDOWN General Mills puts on Kellogg’s. Honey Nut Cheerios, Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, etc. All first ballot Hall of Famers. And for my money, Reese’s Puffs is the best cereal in the game. I never actually think of a cereal’s brand when I’m in the cereal aisle of a grocery store. I’m usually just staring at all the bright colors and trying to talk myself out of buying 10 different kinds of cereal. Poor Will Keith Kellogg must be summersaults in his grave to see his company get destroyed by General Mills like General Sherman running through Atlanta. If Kellogg’s is the Cavs, then General Mills lineup is this year’s Western All-Star lineup. A brutal beatdown.
Then again, if you charge more than a few bucks for a regular bowl of even the best cereal in the universe, you are an asshole and your restaurant is going to fail no matter where it is.