Derek Jeter Actually Got Married

I don’t know how the whole thing with us getting sued by the paparazzi works, and I don’t want to make Chernin hunt down my cell number to yell at me, so here’s a link to pics of the wedding.

Well it looks like Jeter actually did it. Derek Sanderson Jeter, one of the all-time great stickmen, has retired from the game. No matter what you think of Jeter as a player or the Yankees as a team, there is no doubting his ability off the field. Just look at this starting lineup. This doesn’t even include all the cocktail waitresses that took the word “no” out of their vocabulary the second they met the “Bi-racial Angel.”

Jeter came into the league, won a world series and rookie of the year and started dating Mariah Carey. This isn’t the two-pairs-of-Spanx Mariah that we see today. This is 1997 “Honey” Mariah Carey we’re talking about here. That was just the beginning of one of the greatest careers a professional sports dick has ever seen.

While I’m happy for Derek, because Hannah Davis is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in person, this is a sad day for every guy who wanted to be him. It’s also a sad day for every girl who brought a sign to Yankee Stadium asking Derek to marry her.

In honor of his nuptials, I leave you with the greatest Derek Jeter story I have ever heard. Never forget that once she’s with Jeter she belongs to the streets, bro.