MMBM- Hey Nerds: How About Instead Of Playing Pokemon Go, You Try An Actual Sport Like Fantasy Football?
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
This is how far Amerca’s fallen folks. Instead of cracking open a Phil Steele book or Matthew Berry article, or watching the fantasy Red Zone channel replays of big time sleeper performances from the 2016 season; kids are too busy obsessing over collecting imaginary rosters of warriors that you control on your computer. It’s called Pokemon and all you need to know about it is that its the latest way for our nations youth to spend all day playing games living vicarously through their heroes on a screen instead of paying attention to NFL roster moves. Whatever happened to the good old days when kids would particpate in actual sports activities like filling out a bracket, calling in to sports talk radio, or having a mock draft on espn.com?
You know whats way better than Pokemon? Being A NFL fantasy GM. Its a real life game of Pokemon Go as oppose to a make believe one. You have to find all the best players and then you put them up against other players best squads and you can play with people all over the country online. Its called being a adult not a sissy nerd.The best part? You don’t have to be a virgin to enjoy it. The fact that Pokemon go surpassed Tinder in downloads just confirms that Americans are more eager to catch CGI animals than STD superbugs. I looked out my window this morning and saw like 40 people walking around with there eyes glued to their phones in a park. Folks if I wanted to see a bunch of terrible athletes roaming around a field running into each other by mistake I would watch a Universty of Florida Football practice.
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Whatever happened to playing real sports that required human interaction like gambling? The bartender at BWs knows my name because I’m there all day every Sunday slamming Bud Lite’s and watching TV as opposed to staring at a screen like a blithering nerd idiot. Its called making friends
Lot of people have been asking me about how the Michael Vick situation compares to kids playing Pokemon and frankly the only difference is that at least dogfighting teaches you valuable life lessons. Pokemon is dogfighting for cowards who lack the resolve to actually witness the results of their little monsters battles. If a kid gets a good pokemon, there’s no responsiblity that goes along with owning it. You shut off your phone and go put on your visene mask or whatever and the Pikachu does just fine on its own. Mike and Marcus actually had to get off there asses and buy dog food, feed it, train it to kill more effeciently, and build a kennel to make it sleep in when it wasn’t fighting. Owning a dog teaches you responsibilty. Owning a computer game teaches you that its ok to neglect animals.
When I was a kid we had something like Pokemon Go, except you didnt use a phone and you were just always walking around trying to find beer. Nowdays, the only thing kids “get” when there playing Pokemon is made fun of by their more athletic peers who are drinking and starting a new season of franchsie mode on Madden 16.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Bruce Arians
This award will be just a running update of all the cool stuff Bruce Arians did on each epsode of “All Or Nothing” because he is the absolute man.
In epsode number 2, Arians cut Lawrence Okoye for parking in the wrong parking spot and by doing so sent a powerful message to his team that you can basically be cut for almost anything. One time I had a coach who cut a player because they wouldn’t shower with the team and it sent a clear message that details matter.
Arians pulled a all-time football move in between last years games on the road at Detroit and Pittsburgh. He arranged for the team to stay in West Virginia to practice all week instead of flying back to Arizona to hang out with the distractions like there families. He basically tricked the players into living in a minimum securty prison for 5 days where the only conjugal visit was football. This is the type of outside the box thinking we need in todays NFL. I would love to see a coach who literally had training camp at a federal iron-bar prison just to instill the type of toughness that a 16 game NFL schedule provides plus it would be a good “scared straight” type of experence for your loose cannon type of players who would emerge from camp with the “can’t go back” type attitude you need to succeed in this league. There’s nothing in the CBA that says your coach cant literally treat you like a inmate. You have to imagine that if Johnny Manzell had spent a little more time behind bars than in front of them, he could of led the Browns somewhere special.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Japaymemon Clowney has opened up a Vape Shop in Columbia, SC in order to cash in on the new trend sweeping the nation of “guys who didn’t graduate college opening up vape shops that go out of business.” I am shocked that Clowney would associate his brand with a product that looks like the real deal but dosen’t give you the same level of production and is fraught with health concerns.
2. Watched a little Eurpoean Football yesterday and was absolutely floored by Christano Renaldo’s fake MCL tear. But what the most heartening to see was how takes are truly the Universal language, as sports fans all across the globe gathered together and joined hands in harmony to begin questoning Renaldo’s legacy and toughness within minutes of him sustaning the injury. If Portugal won their only major tournament without Renaldo on the field, all signs point to him just not having the clutch gene. The French midfielder that took him out is basicaly the European Mo Lewis knocking heartthrob Drew Bledsoe out so that a grittier no-name could take his place and lead the team to victory. On the other hand it was nice to see a bunch of frenchman spend 120 minutes not doing anything at all outside of a lunch break for once.
3. All you bargain hunters out there take notice: For just a minimum of $950 dollars, your fantasy football league can have its very own draft party at FedEx field during the Redskins last preseason game. The price includes literaly all the free water and soda you can drink plus exclusive use of a officially liscened NFL fantasy football draft whiteboard. Oh your also allowed to watch the Skins/Bucs week 4 preseason matchup on the teams video boards on account of the actual game is taking place in Tampa Bay so your just renting out a suite during an off-week for a thousand dollars. Its another home run of a marketing idea by Dan Snyder who has apparently figured out how to sell home tickets to away games.
4. I’m concerned about Tom Brady. He went to the UFC fight and was hobknobbing with Justin Timberlake ringside and they were BOTH wearing newsboy hats
If two guys are dressed up like that they better either be acting in a play or getting dropped off at a Dropkick Murphys concert by their Dad, there’s simply no other excuse. There’s only one NFL player that can pull off the Newsboy look and thats Danny Woodhead, who as we’ve discussed, used to actually be a paperboy. The only papers Tom Bradys ever delivered are dear John letters to pregnant girlfriends.
5. Michael Irvin has never been known as a person who makes much sense when discussing anything at all in public, but he hit the nail on the head over the weekend when talking about J.J. Watt. In repsonse to hearing that Watt was ranked as the 3rd best player in the NFL, Irvin pointed out that if Watt was so good then how come his teams are so bad?
“Whose fault is it? He’s the star of the team,” Irvin said, via the Houston Chronicle. “If the Dallas Cowboys lose on my watch, it’s my fault. If you’re the baddest man on the team, you’ve got to take it both ways when it ain’t going right and you ain’t winning, that’s on you. J.J. Watt’s been the baddest man in the league and they haven’t gotten close to any kind of championship.”
Irvin correctly points out that Watt is the supposed leader of that team and as a defensive lineman, he should be judged by his win/loss record. How can you call yourself a leader of men if you haven’t gotten arrested for cocaine and prostution alongside a teamate or even stabbed one in the throat with scissors? The message Watt’s sending is one of complacency.
6. The Jacksonville Swaguars Offensive Weapon Denard Robinson was found him passed out in his car at 4:20 AM after driving it into a pond. It was the most successful drive that Robinson has been featured on in the last 3 years. The police issued him a citation for like a illegal lane change or failure to yield to a lake or something.
7. Miko Grimes is brining the flames with her Monday morning twitter takes
Actually a brillant PR move on her part here since she’s Brent Grimes manager. I had forgotten that he was in the league until she tweeted this out and I looked it up. Secondly she deftly changes the narrtive of her being anti semetic by following it up with a 9/11 conspircay tweet, which ensures that if he’s cut by the Bucs Pete Carrol will bring him in for a workout/ rap session. Speaking of false flags maybe Miko should spend more time working with her hubsand on his Pass Interference problem though.
8. NFL arrests are way down this offseason which only means that players are getting better at getting away with crimes.
9. Russel Wilson pulled a great clock management move and got married in England so he could have sex 8 hours sooner. Never one to brag, he then released this video with Ciara:
People forget that Wilson became a born-again virgin after God appeared in front of him and told him to not have sex until he was married, but now that the two are doing it I suspect that the Seahawks are going to fall down the NFC West. I’m calling it right now, this smells like a 8-8 team. Having sex is a trap game and Wilson fell into it hard.
10. Did Aubrey McClenadon drive himself into a bridge because he had just been indicted for a massive fraud scheme or was it because he could read the tea leaves that his favorite player Kevin Durant was abondoning him at the end of the year? At the very least it was a contributing factor in the death but for some reason we’re letting Durant off the hook.