"Leonidas Of Rhodes Is A Little Bitch" - Michael Phelps After Breaking His 2,168 Year Old Olympic Record

“Nice dick, loser.” – Michael Phelps on Leonidas of Rhodes

Last night, with his 13th individual Olympic title (Leonidas didn’t get gold medals for winning, he got olive leaves placed on his head. Sucker), Michael Phelps bested Leonidas of Rhodes’ record set in fucking 152 BC. How do they know about what Leonidas of Rhodes did in 152 BC? I don’t know, they just do. I guess there’s some big, dusty Olympic book buried away in the stacks of some library.

I know Portnoy hates when people enjoy things and is probably running around Nantucket right now, stopping people in the streets, and telling them that they should hate Michael Phelps because…. I guess because people like him and Dave wants to cause a stir. There’s zero reason not to appreciate and enjoy what Michael Phelps is doing. He’s shattering records that have been around since BEFORE JESUS. That’s fucking amazing. We consider Joe D’s hit streak an unbreakable record (it is) and that shit is only 75 years old, this one was set, I repeat, BEFORE JESUS. Before a woman came from the sky and put a magic baby in a virgin, Leonidas of Rhodes set this mark and Michael Phelps just came along and said, “Fuck you. I want that record too. I want all the records.”

My point is I don’t care if you like swimming or think it’s a real sport, I also only think about it for one week every four years. I don’t care if you think they’re not “real” athletes who can’t do anything but swim (Michael Phelps sinks 152 foot putts, he can). This shit we’re seeing is fucking amazing and awesome and incredibly enjoyable. If you disagree then you’ve got a big dump in your pants.