Happy One Year Anniversary Of Me Getting Arrested For Public Intoxication
The story goes like this. I got a text from my brother at around 10pm on Thursday asking if I wanted to meet him for a drink at the bar that is literally across the street from my apartment (we’ll come back to this). I thought why the hell not. Have a couple drinks, shoot the shit about how CJ Beathard is gonna shock everybody and win the Heisman and I’ll be home by midnight with no hangover in the morning. Done and done. Well it did not go that way at all. At some point my uncle showed up to the bar and there’s few things he loves in this world more than shots of Rumple Minze. And lots of it. So that’s what we did. Pretty sure we drank it all Around midnight I carried my brother to a cab and proceeded to go back into the bar and rip more shots of Rumple with my uncle. It was a great time. St. Lunatics blasting, me pretending to know how to dance and laughs all around. This is where things get a little fuzzy on the deets…………
One year! Can you believe it? Time flies when you’re not ripping ungodly amounts of Rumple Minze with your uncle to the tune of the St. Lunatics smash hit “Midwest Swing” and waking up in jail. It’s been a full year and I didn’t get arrested again during that whole span. We’re gonna call that a win despite the bar being hilariously low. Although I’m pretty sure like 97% of criminals get arrested again within a calendar year but I refuse to be just another statistic. I’m 27 now and much more mature. The days of getting blackout drunk at a bar across the street from my apartment and not being able to make it home are far behind me. The days of having police officers laugh at me in jail cause my cankles won’t fit in the shackles are far behind me. The days of eating mystery meat for lunch on a concrete floor are far behind me. I think. I’m racking my brain for an area of my life I’ve improved upon since then and coming up blank. I’m basically the same person just less Rumple Minze I suppose.
Real talk. I try to think about that night/day as little as possible. Never tons of fun to re-visit memories of being SUPER DUPER hungover after getting black out drunk on a Thursday night, missing an entire day of work and fearing the wrath of David Portnoy outside those walls. Once the kind police officers at the Linn County jail cut me loose, I was 99% sure I was gonna be out of a job when I got home. I could already picture my security guard bosses (who I basically told to go fuck themselves when I got the Barstool job) laughing at me as I begged for my job old back. Shit SUCKED. I would very much like to never go through it again. Drink responsibly, kids.
PS- I still have yet to take up my fellow inmates’ advice and try crystal meth to see if it actually allows you to drink for 6 more hours. Maybe next year. I miss my jail pals. I regret not getting SIN BAD tattoos on my hands like Naz in The Night Of.