Barstool Office Power Rankings: Week 5

Welcome back to everyone’s favorite feature, the weekly Barstool Office Power Rankings. Week 5 is in the books and it was an action packed one around HQ: Monday Night Football, the Mets Wednesday, the Sox last night, all combined with a big liquor delivery, a big screen with N64 and some cornhole boards to produce some pretty big nights of fun and #content. We had Trent in town for the week, Rone in town for the week, new interns every day, new people that we think are interns but aren’t really sure. There are people sitting on the recliners that I am almost positive do not work here. I would bet you that if I went over right now and asked who they were they would say they just came in off the street because they needed to use the internet. Nobody seems to care though so whatever it’s cool.

As for the actual daytime office, I know I was hard on it last week, but I got to say they’re really starting to pull this thing together. Wasting no time to get things done…and I mean literally NO time. I mean right now, as we speak, at 12 Noon on a work day, we’re building out the mainframe of the office.

It really is an incredible environment conducive to writing and creative thinking. The soothing sounds of the buzzsaw slicing through the wood of the bar and eventually severing the metal pipes right down the middle is something I might need to make a “Concentration” Spotify playlist of.

Anyway let’s get into it, here are the top 5 employees of the week and a list of people and things that could use some improvement.

POWER RANKINGS

5) Rone

What a lightning rod this guy Rone was. For those who don’t know Rone has been writing Sixers blogs over on Philly for a couple years, just one of those guys nobody really knows that posts some in-depth specialized sports blog that only the fans of the team read. He came by the office for the week to hang out, and turns out that, in true Barstool fashion, we basically had one of the most interesting and intriguing characters in blog history just sitting right under our noses writing about Nerlens Noel. Underutilized would be an understatement. International Rap Battle Champion:

and pure Idea Factory:

Still laughing about the JoJo JoJo JoJo and Joe show.

Just an electrifying office presence.

4) Nate

This fucking guy Nate could not be trying any harder to get on these Power Rankings week in and week out. And I’ve been steadfastly giving him shit for it – these rankings aren’t about sucking up and trying to beat the system by being a kiss ass, it’s about just going about your daily business and me silently judging you for it then publishing it for millions of people to see.

But you know what? I’m really fucking benefitting from Nate’s little dog and pony show. Like my life is immensely better. Coffees are being picked up for me. Waffle egg sandwiches are being delivered to my desk. Air vents that are giving me hypothermia (more on this later) are being covered. So you know what, thanks little guy. I may disagree with the strategy but you simply can’t argue with the results.

Nate At Night coming at you soon.

3) The PMT Boys

Before the move everyone was always asking, so are you upset about going to an office? You bummed about being just another cube monkey like all the people you write for? Are you gonna go corporate all of a sudden, punch the clock in and out, hang out around a water cooler talking about last night’s big game?

Flash forward to a Wednesday afternoon where everyone at Barstool HQ rolls their chairs over to the middle of the office in a big circle to watch Big Cat and PFT chug blenders full of Apple Jacks and Apple Cider vinegar, shove entire packets of chaw in their mouth and puke all over the floors as a half dead goldfish swims around behind them picking NFL gambling games that people will bet thousands of dollars on.

I hope that answers all of the questions.

2) Glenny Balls

Dude walked in off the street, got hired by sprinting down the block, within the first week had his own intern, in the second week is featured on Business Insider.

A meteoric rise unlike anything the internet has ever seen.

1) KFC

Listen a lot of us here were heartbroken when the Mets lost. But nobody quite lives, eats, breathes and sleeps for the Mets like KFC does. Nobody has a boss whose sole existence focuses on enjoying his misery like KFC does. And nobody’s happiness or sadness correlates so closely to a sports team than KFC with the Mets.

So the perfect storm of a backbreaking loss, all caught on a Facebook live stream, ON A DELAY SO THE VIEWERS KNEW WHAT WAS COMING…

You can actually physically see his soul leave his body if you look hard enough. And as a long time friend I felt like I had no choice but to try and build him back up. Congrats on the #1 spot buddy, you earned it.

Plus, being a good sport about it produced an incredible Highlights Without Rights.

And let’s not forget the GOAT picture.

Thanks for being such a team guy man.

And thanks for the funniest thing I’ve seen on the internet maybe ever.

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Needs Improvement

Trent

Trent was pencilled in for the #2 spot in the Power Rankings this week. Great addition to the office, great overall demeanor, friendly guy, got involved with all sorts of content and churned out some good blogs.

Then he went on Dave’s podcast.

Listen I’m not the most values-oriented guy but there are a few things I ask for from my friends. And right up at the top of that list is that you don’t sell me out at the drop of a hat and agree to be a mole for Dave Portnoy. To sit right there in the middle of the cube farm, amongst all the writers, with a big Iowa smile on your face, only to sneak off into a podcast room and sell your soul at the first opportunity. I’m not even mad really. Just disappointed. Very disappointed.

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TFW you realize what you did.

Business Insider

Figure it out.

Good article though. First Club Cool shoutout in a major publication.

Dave’s Eyes

I mean.

I know we all owe our lives to him and we’d be basically homeless in a gutter somewhere without him, and we’ll always be grateful for that, for doing so much for us and our existence. But come on man, do us one more solid and stay home until that gets cleared up?

Caleb

Guy hasn’t been in the office all week.

The Office Air Flow

This is what I mentioned with Nate earlier. The reason he was up on the ladder was because he saw that I was literally suffering from hypothermia at my seat.

I’m sure people think we set up and stage pictures for the Snapchat but this is actually how I was sitting. I had to go desk to desk and collect loose sweatshirts and jerseys then pile them on top of myself. It was a level of cold I’ve never experienced. We’re talking blue lips frozen face frozen hair saying goodbye to Rose right before drifting to the bottom of the ocean cold.

So what’s going on? Well it was explained to me that there is a slight problem with the windows that I sit next to.

Mainly, they aren’t installed.

They are applied at the top by what seems to be cardboard.

And apparently because of how air works, and convection currents and all that science shit, it’s causing the AC vent to blow directly onto the top of my head. The AC that we keep on a nice solid 60. So I mean, I’m not really a complainer, I’m just kind of pointing out some of my thoughts, and one of those thoughts is that you could get a lot more production out of your Editor In Chief if he could feel his fingers and wasn’t about a week away from having limbs removed for frostbite.

Office Guest Of The Week

Peter King

When Dan told me they were going to do the Peter North stunt with Peter King I visibly cringed thinking about the awkwardness. This big time, old school published author and 2010 National Sportswriter of the Year sitting in a bathroom with two guys showing him the massive erect penis of a male porn star. Honestly thought it was going to be a trainwreck. Couldn’t have been more wrong. Handled that big ass dick like a total pro and had some laugh out loud funny moments. Peter King, official Stoolie. What he lost in his professional reputation he gained in our respect.

Intern Of The Week

This guy.

Leaned over and asked if I needed any help with college football content this weekend and if he could collect all the highlights he saw and put them in a blog for me. Completely on his own accord. His boss Gaz isn’t even here. VERY impressive intern move.

Really bizarre 5 minutes afterwards though.

First he was asking me a bunch of questions about a word I had never heard of, we eventually found out he was trying to say the word “Viceroy.” Then he was on the phone telling a friend we were located on 31st and 7th (that’s not where we’re located). Then he asked me why I went to Emory and said he didn’t trust private school kids. I asked him if he was sure he understood what I meant when I said I was literally writing his Power Ranking as he spoke. He said “rankings don’t mean shit when the ball is kicked.” Then he made me retake his picture so he could get his chest hair in it.

What a wild card.

And last but not least…

Product Debut of the Week

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Our Badass New App

You know we did something actually good when 99% of the responses from you assholes that read us are positive. When the Stoolies have trouble busting our balls about something and actually have to say whoa, good job, that’s when you know you crushed it. And our app is legit as fuck. It’s fast, it looks good, it works. Heard about only the most minor bugs and I’m sure those will all be fixed first update.

Big ass Power Ranking spot to the tech team who built it, and Loud Sean for putting together this promo video for it that is one of my favorite Barstool videos ever.

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That’s it for me, grab the app, sign up for the Newsletter, see everyone next week.