The 2016-17 NHL Season Starts Tonight So Here Are Predictions For Every Team

It’s been 4 months since we’ve had meaningful NHL hockey games in our lives. That’s 122 days. That’s 2928 hours. That’s 175,680 minutes that I–a fan of the Philadelphia Flyers Men’s Ice Hockey Team–have spent feeling like I have to puke after the Penguins won the Cup back in June. But that all goes away tonight. Because tonight starts a new chapter in this thing we call life. Tonight, the 2016-17 National Hockey League season begins. I’ll give you all a moment to celebrate.

So now that all 30 teams get to start with a clean slate, here’s a prediction on how everybody’s season will go.

Anaheim Ducks

• The Ducks thought that by firing that big dumb idiot buffoon Bruce Boudreau this summer they’ll finally get over their Game 7 curse. So who did they bring in for a 2nd go around to replace Boudreau? Another big dumb idiot buffoon Randy Carlyle.

• So don’t expect the Ducks to be having any almond butter at their facilities. And Ryan Getzlaf will get hair implants right before the start of the playoffs.

Arizona Coyotes

• The Coyotes will inexplicably trade away one of their young stars for seemingly nothing in return at some point this season. It will then come out that said player was hooking up with GM John Chayka’s sister.

Boston Bruins

• Bruins fans will cry to trade Tuukka and to fire Claude. Zdeno Chara and Adam McQuaid will get torched on the blueline for being too slow. Some things just never change.

Buffalo Sabres

• I feel like this will be a big year for Evander Kane to not only mature as a player, but also to mature as a man. So with that in mind, he’ll wait until at least the All-Star break this season before finding himself in any more legal problems.

Calgary Flames

• Officials all across the league will conspire against the Flames as a form of payback for Dennis Wideman’s hit on linesman Don Henderson. Flyers fans have been having to deal with refs being biased against them for years so it’s kind of hard to feel bad for the Flames.

Carolina Hurricanes

• Every other fan base will continually be reminded that the Hurricanes are still a team when they play against them. Like, “oh yeah. Totally forgot about those guys. Wow, those jerseys are trash”. But don’t get me wrong. It’ll be a HUGE year for the Hurricanes. All the guys will have locked down their real estate agents in Quebec City for when the team inevitably leaves Raleigh.

Chicago Blackhawks

• Just like the Cubs, the Blackhawks will be totally gucci this year. 2017 Stanley Cup Champions. You heard it here first. Absolutely nothing will go wrong for the Hawks this year at all. Not a single injury. Nothing. They’ll run the Central Division and it’ll be their easiest Cup win in the Dynasty Era. And their mascot isn’t racist at all or anything.

Colorado Avalanche

• Without Patrick Roy there to bitch and scream at everybody from the bench, the Avalanche will be like a bunch of sad puppies who have lost their way this season. We can just start penciling them in for a top 4 pick in next year’s draft. Nothing good ever happens if you let Patrick Roy walk away from your team. Just ask the Canadiens.

Columbus Blue Jackets

• This is going to be a longer post so let’s just stick with teams that people actually care about…

Dallas Stars

• The Stars won’t be able to take that final step toward becoming a legitimate contender until they find a way to bring Mike Modano back in the building. Is this the year they finally do it? I hope so. And Nick Insider fucking hopes so too, dude.

Detroit Red Wings

• Ten years ago we had Nick Lidstrom, Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg. Now we have No Lidstrom, No Datsyuk, and.. well.. whatever is left of Henrik Zetterberg. The only thing that can return the Red Wings back to their glory days is if Dylan “D-Boss” Larkin makes another basement video.

Edmonton Oilers

• Anybody who watches Game of Thrones knows what happens when an entire city is left in the hands of a young, inexperienced blonde kid. Is Connor McDavid Edmonton’s Tommen Baratheon? I don’t know. You tell me.

Florida Panthers

• Breaking down Jaromir Jagr’s season by the numbers–I believe he’ll have around 20 goals. Maybe somewhere around 50 points. And he’ll take down at least 70 smokes in Miami ranging between the ages of 19-26.

Los Angeles Kings

• Fuck these guys. They deserve nothing.

Minnesota Wild

• Just get used to seeing this face a lot, Wild fans.

Montreal Canadiens

• Trading PK Subban was the dumbest possible thing the Canadiens could have ever done. And not because PK is great and they’ll miss him tremendously on the blueline. But because they got rid of their designated scapegoat. When the team was losing, they can blame PK. When things weren’t going well in the locker room, they could blame PK. But now what? Because you know that bringing Alex Radulov in is only going to end poorly for the Habs. But now Therrien will finally have to take the blame. Pacioretty will finally have to take the blame. Bergevin will finally have to take the blame. It’ll be a beautiful disaster from the outside looking in.

Nashville Predators

• If it happened in an NHL 17 simulation, it has to happen in real life. But seriously, this would be incredible.

New Jersey Devils

• Sorry, Devils. But didn’t you know that every team Chaps loves ends up being shit? At least you’ll have a long summer break again.

New York Islanders

• The SUV in the corner at Barclays Center will become a self-driving vehicle and drive itself out of there. It’ll be better than watching the Islanders waste yet another year of John Tavares’ prime again.

New York Rangers

• This will finally be the year that the Rangers realize their window is closed. They’ll deal Lundqvist at the deadline to a contender. Luckily there’s a goalie who just moved to New York recently who can fill his spot.

Ottawa Senators

• Bobby Ryan will continue to duck me and be terrified of playing me 1-on-1. [context here]

Philadelphia Flyers

• The Philadelphia Flyers will not win the Stanley Cup this season. Just like they didn’t in 1976, and 1977, and 1978, and 1979, and 1980, and 1981, and 1982, and 1983, and 1984, and 1985, and 1986, and 1987, and 1989, and 1990, and 1991, and 1992, and 1993, and 1994, and 1995, and 1996, and 1997, and 1998, and 1999, and 2000, and 2001, and 2002, and 2003, and 2004, and 2006, and 2007, and 2008, and 2009, and 2010 (ugh), and 2011, and 2012, and 2013, and 2014, and 2015, and 2016.

Pittsburgh Penguins

• Sidney Crosby is already dealing with some concussion-like symptoms this season. I’m not just saying this because I hate his guts and never want to see him again. But I truly believe it is in his best interest to retire right now. For the sake of his own health and mental well-being. I don’t want to watch Crosby’s brain deteriorate. He has too much to live for. Life is bigger than just hockey. So Sid. Buddy. Pal. If you’re reading this right now, please retire. Never play a single game of hockey ever again. At least not for the Penguins.

St. Louis Blues

• First season in a while without the Rams in St. Louis to take up all of the suck in the city. Combine that with trading away American hero David Backes and bringing in Russian bastard Nail Yakupov? Expect a drop off season for the Blues. Sad!

San Jose Sharks

• Brent Burns will continue to be one of the greatest humans that the world has to offer. Nothing else they do this season matters. What a beautifully majestic creature.

Tampa Bay Lightning

• I hate how well everything worked out for the Lightning this summer. They were able to keep Stamkos. They re-signed Hedman. It looks like Jonathan Drouin is starting to finally figure it out. They got a last minute deal with Kucherov done. Everything has been going their way which can only mean one thing–a disastrous downfall at some point during the season.

Toronto Maple Leafs

• I sure as fuck hope the Maple Leafs turn on the soda machines in the press box extra early for Steve Simmons this year. Or else he’ll have to go and try to run Auston Matthews out of the city already.

Vancouver Canucks

• At this point I’m just worried that will never see the end of the Sedin twins. It’s actually starting to scare me.

Washington Capitals

• I hope you’re sitting down for this one. Okay, are you ready? This year… the Washington Capitals… won’t make it past the 2nd round and Ovechkin will leave for the KHL in the summer to make sure he’s able to play in the 2018 Olympics.

Winnipeg Jets

• There will be no television broadcasts of Jets games this season. Strictly for-radio hockey being played in Winnipeg.

And there you have it. All the major predictions you need for the 2016-17 NHL season. Best of luck to everybody out there, this year. Here’s to the next 8 months of everybody hating each other.

@BarstoolJordie