MMBM: Since When Did Kissing Your Sister Become A Bad Thing?

PFT Commenter10/24/2016 6:25 PM

Note: TL;DR.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

They say a tie is like kissing your sister but isn’t incest just the ultmate example of keeping things in house? Football is family, folks, and Big Brother said that history is written by the winners so technically last nights game never even took place. War is peace, ignorance is strength, and the Seahawks have always been at war with the NFC West. Plus the saying is that “a tie is like kissing YOUR sister”, not MY sister- a important distinction.

Calling last nights game a “tie” is like calling the Korean War a tie.What happened last night was a battle of two perfectly evenly matched teams fighting their guts out. Two unstoppable forces, and one immovable object (the first down marker). And folks if our soldiers had lined up in the neutral zone half as often as Michael Bennett did last night we would all be in alot of trouble.

The NFL needed a reset game like that. It was a defensive battle that left Richard Sherman literally unable to talk and we’re suppose to act like that’s a bad thing? Hell if thats how the human body reacts then I think every football team should play a 6-6 tie starting now untill the elections over. So while Sherman was left unable to offend anyone with his persepctives, the defense was the real story. The stat nerds out there will tell you that the Seahawks defense spent more time on the field then any team in NFL history, yet only gave up 6 points. There “bend but dont break” mantra comes from Coach Carrol’s understanding of the resilancy of construction materials exposed to high temperatures, but their mental game is steeped in eastern philosophy.

And so this game had the ying and the yang. Seattle verse Arizona. The article verse the comment section. Blue verse Red. One demographic more concern about the temperature of their latte’s and the other looking over their shoulder for illegal immigrants. Both kickers missed and one coach tried to murder him with a needle from a air pump before the game was over, and the other gave his guy a big hug.

Of course there’s the “blame the NFL first” crowd out there that is quick to complain about every minor intentonal obfuscation about the long-term impact of brain injuries, or the wastefullness of breast cancer awareness month. Side note- the mortalty rate from breast cancer has kind of decreased since the NFL started allowing players to wear pink clothes 6 years ago, so lets not try to fix something thats not working. The folks who are the first to whine about how the league alienates women are also the ones who complain about there being to much dirty laundry on the field- its extremeley sexist on their part to draw this correlation. And sure enough, now they’re complaining about a lack of points. A simple, elegant solution to this would be to increase the value of a touchdown to 10 points, boom. Problem solved.

The league is going through a rough time, but fortunately Goodell is a steady hand that guides it. In what could of been a all-time stinker of a week when it comes to the league’s female outreach after it was revealed for the very first time that the league dosen’t really care that much about enforcing its domestic violence policies, the Redskins strategically may of placed a little easter egg for the ladies on the sidelines up in Detroit (via DetroitSportsRag):

So your welcome ladies. Lets call it even.

On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week: The officials

I’m sick of players and coaches disrepsecting the officials for their bad calls. Dont want to get called for a unfair penalty? Then dont break the rules, and if your really innocent then just wait for the process to work its way out and you’ll be vindicated with a nice note from the league office

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Aqib Talib gets it. Guy was asked about lockeroom talk and agreed that Trump would fit right in with the Broncos. If theres any place that Donald would feel comfortable it would be a place thats orange, strong on defense, and theres a guy wearing a shirt that says lynch.

2. Jon Harbaugh is the Bill Belichick of complaining about rules that his team fails to take advantage of. This week its the Ravens coach complaining about the fact that if you fumble a ball through the endzone its a touchback which is a completely awesome rule because it penlizes you if you don’t have your details.

3. PC police at it again up in Connecticut where a local High School football coach is under fire for installing a playcall named “Hitler”

A Trumbull mom couldn’t believe what she heard when her son’s freshman football team played Greenwich Thursday — players charged onto the field shouting “Hitler.”
The war cry was in reference to a play they were about to execute. The signal for the play is an index finger laid across the upper lip.

The “Hitler” call is definitely in poor taste, unless it was being used to identify a certain type of blitz. But whats even worse is that the same team use to have a play called “Stalin” last year, but changed it I assume to rely less on the ground game and more on exotic sub packages.

4. Robbie Goulds name literaly translates to “Scottish heist” and the Giants stole one from the Rams in the UK. Eli Manning is a big dumb guy with bad teeth who overextends himself just a little bit- he’s basically the British Empire in QB form, with the exception of the fact that he’s actually able to beat the Patriots.

5. JJ Watt might be dead. Stay woke on this one, but he hasn’t posted a instantgram, twitter, or facebook post of him flipping tires or box jumping since his surgery. At any rate, his lack of posting on social media has become a distraction for his teammates who need all the luck they can get with Indy nipping at there heels. Plenty of people die on the operating table every year even for minor surgerys (not to be melodramatic but I might not wake up from my very serious foot operation tomorrow) so its not unreasonble to think that JJ might be dead and the Texans are just waiting to get a clone in place for next season.

6. Irsay, can you see? The Indianapolis owner Jim Irsay had taken a woozy wobbly stand against player protests, saying that players get paid to entertain us, not practice their 1st amendment, and Anotio Cromartie’s wife thinks that his taking knee may of had something to do with his release. Its impossible to say whether or not that played a factor but you have to take your hat off to The Colts for accomplishing what 6 urologists couldnt do and severing all ties with Anthony Cromartie.

7. Last weeks DDOS attack was accomplished by using strange technology devices that arent usually hooked up to the internet just 24 hours after Bill Belichick goes on his tirade against tablets. Could Belichick be repsonsible for the various websites getting taken down and leaving bloggers and media types unable to do there jobs on Friday? Its definitely a possbility.

8. Cody Kessler got hurt this week and left us all with that great feeling where a QB gets hurt and you have no idea who the backup is. The Germans have a word for that and its called Bradynfreud, where ether your going to get lucky or its going to be a complete and total meltdown for four quarters. Kevin Hogan showed some spark that you typically see during every Browns QBs first game before they realize there playing for the Browns and putitng forth a consistant effort over the course of multiple games is a big waste of time.

9. Kudos to the NFLs breast cancer awareness “crucial catch” campaign as long as the mamograms arent being reviewed by Mike Carey. If there’s one thing that the league has been consistant on its determining what does and does not constute a catch, and Roger Goodell would do well to try to get the competition committee to volunteer as a death panel.

10. All sorts of people out there have their takes on why the NFL is losing viewers but the fact is people stopped tuning in directly tied to Danny Woodheads absence. They’re on pace to set a world record for most penatlty flags thrown in a single professional football league year, which according to some, makes the game less entertaining to watch. Well Danny Woodhead has never been penalized in his career- making his PAR a astounding negative 1000.

11. Jags fans are having some fun with it and frankly I’m not shocked that they would identfy with a candidate who is basically describing the next 4 years as a rebuilding process

12. You have to be good to be this bad for so long: