MMBM: FBI Director Ted Wells Should Reopen The Investigation Into Tom Brady
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Its late October and it looks like the Patriots have their division wrapped up already. New England has opened up a 3 game lead on the Bills and are realistically 2-3 wins away from clinching a playoff spot. Nate Silvers moms basements blog already has the Pats at about a 90% chance of securing a first round bye. But still, we shouldn’t forget that there doing it all under a cloud of scandal.
I know that Tom Brady is perhaps the most scrutnized NFL player in league history. I know that the league has already spent 2 years investigating, and interviewing him countless times only to see him come out the other side relatively unscathed. But that because we haven’t been right yet dosen’t mean that we’re wrong.
Its time for FBI director Ted Wells to reopen the investgation into Tom Bradys texts, emails, and deflategate.
I’m not a stat guy but numbers never lie. This year the Patriots are averaging a margin of victory of 10.6 ppg. Compare that to 2014 which was the last season that the NFL says that Brady was cheating- where the Patriots had a margin of victory of only 9.7. How can they be better than they were when they weren’t totally found to have been cheating unless they were kind of maybe cheating again?
The facts alone could make for a very compelling reason to reopen the investgation, but when you add in the circumstancial evidence, folks where there’s smoke there’s fire:
For one, your judged by the company you keep, and Bradys continued association with supsected criminals like other NFL players is a major red flag. Last week he was spotted giving thug Steelers QB Rothlisberger a jersey in a quid pro quo in what some are calling #BenGhazi. A quick glance at his former associates shows that Brady failed to act in a timely fashion with Aaron Hernandez and this delay directly resulted in the death/shooting of 4 people. Plus there were two other guys in Aqib Talib and Brandon Merriweather who have been connected with attempted murders and firearms under Brady’s watch. Former teammate Junior Seau passed away tragically and we’re supposed to just act like Brady wasnt involved? Even his wife (whose appeared nude in many scandalous photo shoots) has had flings with unscrupolous characters as Josh Hartnett and Leonardo DiCaprio- both alleged drug users. The corrupt Brady machine has been allowed to fester for far too long without any real consequences and now he has become nothing more then a calculated machine who is obsessed with winning at any cost.
As far as a smoking gun in deflategate goes I hope your buckled up. I have now become generally aware of thousands of emails that were sent from the Patriots organization and the Kraft foundation to former New England employees John Jastremski and Jim McNally over the course of their tenure that could now be considered relevant given the new broader scope of the investigation. Numerous communcations detailing fundraising efforts, merchandise sales, ticket specials, and announcements of exciting new corporate partnerships were sent from A OFFICIAL TEAM SERVER ADDRESS identified as “noreply@patriots.com” to the pair over the years, and all were very supicously marked as spam and then conveniently deleted. Why would McNally and Jastremski be receiving notes from there employer unless there was something fishy going on? Even though Brady wasn’t involved in these exchanges directly, it still points to the fact that these people sent emails to each other on a very frequent basis. Its all very interesting.
But this goes deeper. If you look at Pats VP of Public Relations Stacey James’ emails, you will find that he has been in near constant communication with members of the corrupt media, coordinating post-game and locker room interviews with players and coaches that the general public dosen’t get and giving access to people with which he has had a long-term working relationship. NFL teams are in bed with the NFL media. Why hasn’t this been exposed? Because he also has been in contact with the NFL league office repeatedly over the course of this tenure, filing paperwork and planning marketing strategies that were cooked up in some back alley hotel convention room- yes the league officials are the very people who were suppose to be investigating the Patriots. That’s right, NFL teams are communicating directly with the very league that has been charged with overseeing them. It stinks to high heaven. Its obvous that Former FBI director Wells is corrupt and if he wants any chance to save his reputation as a unbiased public servant, he he will reopen the case.
Once you start to unravel this ball of yarn it tangles up your paws fast, and your left with the only logical conclusion- that Tom Brady is a ruthless competitor who will do and say anything to win. And thats not a value we should be passing on to our children.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: The Buffalo Dildo
You know I never had Buffalo pegged for a dildo town. To me given there history with guys like JP Losman, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Rob Johnson, Todd Collins, Trent Edwards, and Drew Bledsoe it just seemed more like a pocket pussy type of town no offense. But these are the new look Bills with T-Mobile calling plays and as they open up the gadget plays your going to see more and more of this type of thing.
Its kind of a example of the pussfication of America, since the greatest generation would of said “lets play two” and thrown a double-header out there. The dildo was launched into the coffin corner as the Patriots were driving in the third
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No matter how stuck up you are you have to admit that Gronk made a pretty hilarous quip about how the dildo was probably a Bills dildo because the Bills probably like dildos.
Not a smart move for Gronk to say this. Belichick never wants to give up a competitive advantage no matter how small. By ruling out this dildo as a part of there offense Rob has telegraphed to the Seahawks that they don’t have to gameplan for it. Plus if you dont think the dildo could put up 11 recs, 103 yds, and a TD out of the slot for the Pats then you just don’t know your football.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Heaven is for real. When I had surgery last week I saw God. He had a beard alright, and a whistle around his neck. You could tell it was God because he was too busy directly influencing the outcomes of high school football games to pay much attention to most other things going on in the control room but I still had to try and say “sup”.
I’ve always thought that when I meet God I should have something cool to say to let him know Im not some meek nerd so I said “hey, I read your book” which broke the ice a little bit but I could tell he was kind of preocupied with not caring about Michael Sam because its not news so I let him be. The moral of the story is that God is pretty cool for a old guy. Meant to ask him why come he rested on the seventh day instead of watching film on satan but subject never really came up.
2. The Jaguars apparently had a offensive coordinator this whole time? I consider myself a bit of a football know-it-all and had just assumed there playcalls were the result of a time-traveling ouija board Gus Bradley was using to channel Jim Zorns future ghost. Anyways they fired him and now there QB coach is the OC which I’m sure will fix most things. Read that Bradley is in danger of losing 50 games over a 4-year span which would basically be Jimmy Carter levels of incompetence instead of giving away the Panema Canal and building homes for millions of homeless people they gave up sacks and interceptions and built a stadium with a pool in it.
3. Shout out to all the award winning listeners of Pardon My Take for there Halloween costumes. Here’s a sample of some of the ones ppl sent us:
I gotta think that the Germans must have a word for being attracted to when girls try to look as much like you as possible as long as you kind of look like a girl to begin with. Not sure what this is but I’m sure its healthy.
4. Marcus Mariota makes his bed every single day. Folding your sheets into “hospital corners” is a touching remembrance of Perrish Cox and Jason McCourteys durabilty.
5. Heres a nice map visualization of which fans are the most violent in the NFL:
Some will see this map and see huge disrepsect shown to Eagles fans for not being included, but those of us who are smart know that all this means is that they’re just really good at not getting caught. Also massive respect to the Brown, Falcons, and Rams for not keeping track of there numbers. Can’t be a problem if you don’t know the extent of the issue.
6. Pittsburg sees Virginia Tech’s all fullback offense, and raises them a Left Guard end-around:
Running this play to Richie Incognito was what the Dolphins called a “reverse racism” and its a suprisingly effective manuver.
Pittsburgh, PA and Blacksburg, VA are like the Mecca and Medina of holy cities for people with “all I need to know about islam I learned on 9/11″ bumper stickers, so its always a real football treat when those towns get together in a old-fashioned grit-off. Unfortunately this years game like the rest of are country, has gone the way of the high-powered offense instead of the high-powered reciprocating saw and what used to be two blue-collar power-tool teams both opened up the playbooks and scored over 36 points in a regulation game. Times, sadly, are changing.
7. Love the American patriotism demonstrated by British NFL fans during the Star Spangled Banner. Making England stand up for your natonal anthem is like your ex making you JO to her new sex tape. The NFL is back.
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8. I think the NFL may of solved its ratings problem in one foul swoop by closing down the baskin robins sampler spoon of highlights known as “Vine.” Theres a old saying football saying “look like Tarzan, play like Jane” and the NFL was left dangling from a vine for the past two seasons as welfare fans realized they could just skip purchasing the Sunday ticket and a TV when alls they had to do is log on to catch 7 second clips being uploaded at a pace that would make Rick Pitinos frenulum spin.
Vine’s mentalty of giving you a tiny sample for free was more in sync with the tactics of a heroin dealer then a legitimate business, like developing and distributing prescription medications. So as hundreds of thousands of accounts were giving away the milk for free, the NFL was getting put out to pasture. Fans were eschewing the Red Zone for the emBed Zone (the internet) and all of this cord cutting was driving NFL ratings off a cliff faster then Wile E. Coyote.
While some people will morn the passing of Vine, I for one will celebrate the fact that every nerd in his moms basement has now been issued a restraning order from rebroadcasting highlights without the express written consent of Commissioner Goodell. Heck, maybe this will even convince people to unplug the computers and go outside to a sports bar on beautiful autumn sunday afternoons.
9. Say what what you want about Cam Newtons fashion sense but at leased his shoes will never end in ties
Cams been buying his shoes from the guy that installed his countertops, which is ironic because he takes his feet for granite. Newton took time out of his busy postgame tradition of not answering questions from journlists on deadline to expound on the fact that he dosen’t feel safe on the field. Newsflash for Cam- its a football field not a ball pit. If Cam wanted continuity in his safe spaces then maybe he should of thought about not moving to a different college every year when he was in school. The thing about Cam is that he’s so dang big and fast that alot of times officials get understandably confused when he’s out there and they think he’s a tight end or a superhero or something. If your only weekness is kryptonite then your not going to draw a lot of sympathy when a defensive lineman accidentally wraps his torso around your meniscus. You can’t have it both ways.
The Panthers are still struggling to find there identitity this year, and until Newton takes that next leap to becoming smaller and less talented, the officials are going to be swallowing those whistles thats just a fact. Cam needs to become a pure pocket passer or else he’s going to be left dangling over the railing of the USS Riverboat Ron and those sneakers are going to feel more like cinder blocks.
10. Person that Arian Foster could learn alot from this week: Derek Carr’s neice
Updated Standings-
Raiders: 6-2
Dolphins: 3-4
John: 3:16