The Fisher-Price Stationary Bike For Kids Is Dare I Say The Greatest Toy Ever Created
CNN- Toymaker Fisher-Price has a clever solution for parents looking to give toddlers guilt-free screen time. The company announced on Wednesday the Think & Learn Smart Cycle, an exercise bike with a tablet holder tacked onto the handlebar. The bike, aimed at 3 to 6 year olds, lets kids interact with gaming apps while pedaling. The Smart Cycle ($150) comes with one free app and works with four others, including SpongeBob SquarePants and Shimmer and Shine apps ($4.99 each). The included app features an age-appropriate curriculum based on math, science and social studies. “They’re learning and mastering content as they pedal, fast or slow, forwards or backwards,” Amber Pietrobono, a spokeswoman with Fisher-Price, told CNNMoney. “It’s also how they level up in the games.”
Fisher-Price you beautiful bastards! You finally did it. You have given bad parents like myself a toy that solves all of my problems. No longer do I have to hear about how giving my kids some “screen time” is rotting their brains and turning them into zombies. “Screen time” is also the only thing that will shut a kid up when everything else fails. The Mo Rivera of baby distractions. And if being able to rationalize plopping your kid in front of the TV wasn’t enough as they learn or whatever, it also has their asses putting in work to get that TV time like a horse going after that carrot. And as any parent can attest, a tired baby that will go to sleep easily is a good baby. I mean would I have HATED this as a kid? Of course. But I will never be a kid again. Or in college. Or in my 20s. Or in a period of my life I can call “fun” unless I somehow one day make enough to comfortably retire. Sorry, I’m rambling.
Anyway, kids burning off that baby fat early in life only makes for a healthier America. The war on obesity has already put my big ass in a chokehold, but at least my kids and your kids will stand a chance. And I don’t want to hear about how you can just buy them a real bike to do the same thing. It’s fucking freezing outside right now. The only people that can ride a bike outside in January are people like Chaps in Texas. And he probably already has an indoor bike track in his fucking mansion. Get the kids a big wheel around Easter and then transition to a Mongoose (#TeamMongooseForLife) once they get older. But for now, this stationary bike gets my approval.
Coincidentally on this week’s episode of The Podfathers we talked about reactions to Christmas presents and the havoc that the Hatchimals toys unleashed by whispering “Fuck me” as they slept.
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