Lindsay Lohan Converted To Islam, Maybe
Yahoo News- Lindsay Lohan has sparked speculation that she has converted to Islam after she deleted all of her Instagram posts and simply wrote: “Alaikum salam” (peace be upon you) in her bio. Reps for the actress have told the Muslim council that she is “in a period of renewal”, with the star first reading the Qu’ran in 2015. “It opened doors for me to experience spiritually, to find another true meaning. This is who I am.”
Wrong. Devout Muslim is not who you are. I’ve watched you grow. You were the adorable ginger from The Parent Trap, charming as hell with your extravagant secret handshake and British accent. You blossomed into the sexy girl next door in Mean Girls, breaking hearts and making my jeans uncomfortable with that Vanity Fair spread. After that, you really hit your stride as an outlaw. You threw your reputation to the dogs and left a scorched trail of coke mirrors and DUIs in your wake. I think there was even a half-porno with James Deen in there somewhere? You’re like a female Brett Favre– just as the spotlight was dimming on your career, you’d take your clothes off to grab the stage again.
But this latest twist feels wrong to me. Look at what happened to Mike Tyson. Baddest man on earth. Went to jail for a pinch, converted to Islam, and came back to the ring a shell of his former self. I’m going to ignore all of the success stories that weaken my argument (Muhammed Ali, Kareem Abdul Jabbar… insignificant examples). But the point is, stay in your lane Lindsay. Crazy ginger suits you. Don’t hide that flowing red mane under a burka. You’re at your best when you’re barely hanging on.
PS- Never forget.
PPS- Who the FUCK is this backgammon mook? Get your goddamn priorities straight, you weird surfing elf.