Barstool’s Weekend Soccer Preview – The “Make Arsenal/United Great Again” Edition
Sam’s Safe Space For Soccer Stoolies
Hi haters,
I got some comments on the twitter machine over the last week asking why I hadn’t spent more time dancing on Arsenal’s grave after last weekend’s thorough shellacking in the North London Dærby, confirming once and for all that 2017 will be the first St Totteringham’s Day-less year in decades. I’d like to say it is because I’m better than that – that my moral code precludes making fun of a vanquished opponent – but that is most definitely not the case.
Instead, it is probably partially out of recognition that I’ve managed to have plenty of fun at their expense all season – danglies be dangling – but also an appreciation for how quickly a club like Arsenal (or United) can turn things around with the right summer signings. The Gooners have some tough decisions to make in the next few months, not least of which being whether Wenger returns for a 22nd season, as well as whether Lexi and Ozil move on.
It was not that long ago that Arsenal versus United was the best rivalry in the league.
Sure, the once mighty have fallen on some tough times recently, as evidenced by the fact that this weekend’s tilt is more or less a disqualifier – and not for the league title, but rather merely a top 4 finish this season.
But in my experience the negative karma points earned by dancing a little too long or too loudly on someone’s grave almost always come back to bite you in the ass. What if Arsenal hire Massimiliano Allegri this summer, keep Lexi, inject some motivational steroids into Ozil, and finally sign Benzema (lol)? Things would look a little different in September, that’s for sure.
Same for United, especially given their alleged connections to Antoine Griezmann. If the Red Devils got healthy and added a proven goal-scorer heading into Jozay’s historically strong second season? Watch out.
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So fear not Arsenal and United fans. You may kinda suck right now
(Some more so than others)
but things have a way of turning around in a hurry in a league where teams have ungodly sums of money to throw around each summer.
Anyway, the EPL gods for whatever reason have seen fit to bestow upon us a Friday game so time to get this show on the road. So let’s get to it…
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ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE
Reminder of the results from last weekend:
A few news, notes and observations:
– Everton was Chelsea’s biggest potential hurdle coming down the stretch…. welp.
– The North London Dærby was fun for everybody:
– Needless to say, Saturday was not a day to write home to mama about
– Hull and Swansea finagled draws at Southampton and United, in case you were wondering what impact a near-and-present threat of being handed a one-way-ticket to the Championship might have on clubs.
– Youge, youge, YOUGE win for Liverpool and it might be about time I called a doctor to check on the boner I’m still sporting from this:
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As it stands, with most clubs having three or four games remaining (Arsenal has five), this is how the table stands:
I know there are all sorts of fancy tables about what “officially” happens with this or that result, but don’t worry about that stuff. Here is what is confirmed (ignoring Europa for the time being given the numerous permutations that still exist):
Title: Chelsea (almost)
Champions League: Chelsea and Tottenham
Champions League contenders: [two slots] City, Liverpool, Arsenal and United* (could also qualify via Europa)
Relegation contenders: Hull and Swansea
Dead af: Sunderland and Middlesbrough
And finally this weekend’s schedule:
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PICKS OF THE WEEKEND
Arsenal [-105]
United [+275]
Draw [+230]
Big goal for United, (potentially) huge goal for Arsenal:
Now that United has one foot in the Europa League final, which one would have to say is their most sure-fire path to next season’s Champions League, it is fair to expect that Jozay might try to take it easy this weekend and rest some guys against Arsenal for the return leg against Celta Vigo coming up next Spursday.
Marcus Rashford will almost certainly be rested, and Zlatan’s knee exploded, which means Anthony Martial or Old Balls Roondog will get the start up top. If a little voice in your head just started screaming “scoreless draw” – well, suffice to say, you ain’t alone after the tepid offensive showing Arsenal offered up against Spurs.
The biggest question is who Wenger decides to go with up top since god forbid he do something INSANE like start multiple strikers (which, by the way, is one of my biggest pet peeves about the current coaching philosophy in the EPL and throughout most of Europe)… with the obvious options being Olivier Giroud or Danny Welbeck. Neither have been exactly killing it lately but they bring very different upsides to the table – Girioud adding an air attack and Welbeck offering all sorts of speed. I’d lean ever so slightly towards putting Welbeck in the first XI but my guess is Uncle Arsene starts with Giroud and brings in Welbeck later on in hopes of taking advantage of United’s tired legs – and make no mistake, the Red Devils are going to be a bit tired after all the Spursday soccer they’ve been playing (or rusty if guys like Smalling and/or Jones play). That could prove decisive. Arsenal to win 1-0 – thus keeping their top 4 hopes alive while forcing United to be all-in on Europa.
Tfw you somehow sneak into 4th and stick around another year
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Swansea [+190]
Everton [+140]
Draw [+240]
Right about now is the time of year when Everton traditionally closes up shop after having locked up in next season’s Europa League, and wouldn’t you know it they are showing every sign of having done just that. Last weekend they came out and laid an egg against Chelsea and then their manager begin ruminating in the press about his Barrrrrrthelona wet dreams, which sounds to me a lot like a club that has their tee times and Mallorca vacation plans all set and ready to go.
Big Cat’s Swansea, on the other hand, are in a dogfight with Hull, the latter of which has the advantage of being two points up AND having an easier schedule coming down the stretch. It’s gonna take a big game out of the Swans but desperation (like cocaine) is a helluva drug. Swansea to win 2-1.
Dan’s first “famous victory”!
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Other picks:
• Tottenham [-290] visiting West Ham [+750] is another one of those games that – in other seasons – might be an obvious “inexplicable trip-up game” for Spurs. But I’ve been operating under the assumption that this year is different, which in fact proved to be the case as far as St Totteringham’s Day goes, so I’m sticking with it. Tottenham to win 2-0.
Can’t spell “Classy” without West Ham – or can you?
• City [-400] was inexplicably awful last weekend against Boro, but my guess is Pep has learned his lesson: TRUST JESUS. Assuming Guardiola does just that it could be a long day for Palace [+900]. City to win 4-1.
He saves
• Hull City [-225] remains desperate for points, which makes it a good time for a visit from woeful Dunderland [+600]. One thing about Hull this season though is to expect the unexpected. It seems inevitable that Moyes’ boys are going to blunder into a result of some sort to give their fans at least a little something to cheer about, and now with all the pressure off (due to relegation being confirmed) they could – since misery loves company – spread some be their unhappiness to Hull. Gimme a 1-1 draw.
• As a neutral observer, I couldn’t help thinking that Liverpool’s 1-0 win on Monday felt like it could be just the sort of boost the club – clearly lacking in confidence (not to mention healthy difference-makers) – needed oh so badly. Conversely, Southampton [+475] looked last weekend like a club that had come to terms with yet another mid-table finish, and may be more interested in avoiding injuries than racking up points. Assuming at least one (but ideally both) of Philippe Coutinho and Adam Lallana is ready to go, Liverpool to win 1-0.
• Chelsea [-700] hosting Middlesbrough [+1600] right here right now is the soccer gods was of laughing in my face about Spurs “shot” at the EPL title. Chelsea to win 3-0.
• And finally some quick hitters involving clubs with little-to-nothing to play for in order to increase the chances I end up getting one right: Bournemouth [+115] officially punched its ticket last weekend to stay up next season, which means they could unconsciously take their foot off the pedal so I’m going with Stoke [+225] to win… Lester [-175] over Watford [+510] because they latter stopped caring about results after beating Swansea last month… and West Brom [+250] at Burnley [+130] is a total toss-up so how about don’t be dumb for once and take the team with the much better odds (aka Brommies to win).
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MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER
Storylines:
– MLS Cup rematch on Saturday (televised nationally) between Seattle and Toronto, which leads me to the SAM’S STONE COLD LOCK OF THE WEEKEND: this game will be more entertaining than last time around… mostly because it couldn’t possibly be any worse.
– LA Galaxy look ripe for the pickings after their scoreless yawnfest against woeful Philadelphia, which could mean easy pickings for my boy Basti and the Chicago Fire.
– Atlanta has made a habit of looking fantastic for long stretches but finding ways to lose games, while NYC plays more passes between defenders and midfielders in their half of the field than any team I have ever seen. No idea what that means for this game but those were the first two thoughts that came to mind.
– SKC has conceded three – THREE – goals in nine games so far. (Is that good?) In the same number of games Minnesota has conceded 25. (Is that bad?). Interesting matchup this weekend, especially with how hot Minnesota striker Christian Ramirez has been.
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REST OF THE WORLD
Spain: Barcelona and Real Madrid both won last weekend meaning they remain even on points (though the latter still has a game in hand). All games involving either are can’t-miss at this point. Barça host Villarreal on Saturday (11:30am CT on beIN) followed by Real visiting Granada (1:45pm CT on beIN).
Italy: Do yourself a favor and don’t miss Milan versus Roma on Sunday (1:45pm CT on beIN).
Germany: BVBabyjesus is on Fox Soccer Plus, which apparently is still a thing, so instead you should plan on catching 5th place Hertha hosting 2nd place RB Leipzig on Saturday (11:30am CT on FS1)
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So there you have it. Champions League is back in action again next week. Stay pumped.
Holler,
Samuel Army