All The Instagram Models I Follow Are Growing Up And Getting Married Or Pregnant. It's Weird.

Because of things like Wake Up and GTA I follow an awful lot of Instagram models, more than any horny teenager has any business following. Opening my Instagram app is akin to opening PornHub, it’s an eyeful of tits and ass for any nosy neighbor in my vicinity. But lately, I’ve noticed something horrible happening, I’ve noticed that the aforementioned T&A feed has become a baby and wedding feed… I’m not thrilled about it. That shit, “real life” as some call it, is for Facebook. Babies, weddings, deaths, all that shit that happens not on the internet belongs on your wall, not your IG. Instagram is supposed to be Never Never Land, we never look ugly and we’re never having a bad time and we certainly never grow up.

Yet this is what I’m inundated with every time I decide it’s time to get a little horned up, the pictures above. That’s just a smattering of them too, as I can’t recall all the pictures I rapidly scroll past of adult things on Instagram. I can’t find all of them because I don’t even remember the handles of the hot models, let alone the pregnant ones. Following chicks on Instagram is like picking up a girl at a bar and having a one night stand: you don’t remember names, you just remember faces, and if you ever bump into them (or their picture) again you’re flooded with lovely memories of past trysts.

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But I assure you, there are a lot of them and it’s quite odd. It’s like all the Instagram models had a Gloucester-like pact and decided to get pregnant or hitched at the same time. That’s a very, very weird feeling for a guy like me. Not because I’m envious, I’m not a girl so I’m not staring toward the heavens and screaming “IF THEY CAN FIND LOVE WHY CAN’T I?!?” No, it’s a weird feeling because I’ve been following these girls for like seven years.

Seven years is a long time. I’ve followed them through FitTea and coffee bean scrub ad deals, followed them during their moves from Anytown USA to Los Angeles, followed them from blonde to brunette then back to blonde, and followed them from B Cups to Ds. That’s an awful lot of life changes I’ve observed. I watched these girls grow up, but not in the adoring father sense, more in the creepy stalker sense. That’s a startling revelation to see these chicks do adult shit and make you realize that you’ve observed them from afar for a really uncomfortable amount of time. Even just typing it I feel like I need a shower.

I wish them all the best but I hope they do it in private.

Except Polites, she can keep posting those #normalizebreastfeeding pics. I’m not that against feeling a little weird.