Bachelor In Paradise- Episode 1 Recap
We’re back (for the first time)! I’m gonna try something new this season of Bachelor In Paradise. I’m gonna write recaps for each episode the following day so you can either A) follow along with what happened and see if our opinions align or B) you don’t watch the show and you read this blog strictly so you can be part of the conversation at work the next day. Normally it’ll be out earlier but I just decided to do this like 20 minutes ago so that’s why it’s coming so late. I’m also doing it because this is Barstool SPORTS. A place where long blogs about trashy reality TV are welcomed with open arms.
Anyway. Bachelor In Paradise is hands-down my favorite show in The Bachelor universe. It’s my favorite cause it’s the by far the most entertaining. It cuts out all the bullshit of trying to find love and just lets familiar faces get drunk on an island in Mexico and fuck each other. It takes all the awesome parts of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and injects it straight into our veins. There’s no prize at the end. There’s no goal. Sure, Chris Harrison will say the show is about finding love, but that is patently untrue. These contestants are here to drink and suck and fuck each other for the enjoyment of the millions of people watching at home. It’s glorious.
This is the 4th season of BIP and the cast is DYNAMITE
I didn’t feel that way about the cast when it was first released. It seemed pretty “meh” but after watching last night’s episode, we’re in for an awesome season.
Let’s look at a few of the things that are happening so far
The Most Beautiful Couple In The History of Mankind (Dean/Kristina)
That’s not joke. Dean and Kristina have the potential to be the most beautiful couple in the history of mankind. Go ahead and try to think of a hotter couple. I’ll wait. Dean has blue eyes that you’ll drown in if you stare too long and Kristina has yet to take an Instagram picture with a single flaw. And not only would they be the most beautiful couple ever but they’re super easy to root for. Kristina was a Russian orphan who ate lipstick to survive while her mother was out being a prostitute and Dean told Rachel he loved her only to be denied after getting into a gut-wrenching argument with his wizard father. They’re almost too good to be true. My only worry with them is that I’m gonna get too emotionally invested in them and then it somehow not working out. Fingers crossed that doesn’t happen and they live happily ever after.
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The Most Boring Couple In The History Of Mankind (Derek/Taylor)
Snoooooooooozefest. I already hated Taylor after she got put into a mental pretzel by Corinne during Nick’s season but now I hate her even more because she’s doing the whole “I didn’t wanna come to Paradise. I didn’t think I was gonna like anyone” thing and then instantly fell head over heels for Derek. It literally took two seconds. These two are televised Ambien (shoutout to Tiger Woods’ bloodstream). They seem nice enough (and might actually like each other) but this is one of those couples where I wish ABC would just send them home right now so they can be normal and boring and not on our TVs for weeks.
The Couple That Almost Shut Down The Entire Season Of The Show Because They Got Too Drunk On The First Day (DeMario/Corinne)
This was obviously the most controversial thing heading into the season. I’m kinda over it to be totally honest. We know what happened. We know nothing illegal happened. We know they both get sent home. We know everything. So it’s kind of annoying that we have to sit through the footage of the shock and awe of it unfolding. I will say, ABC is making it look like the whole thing was staged for publicity. The awkward Chris Harrison monologues. The way they did the whole “shut off all the cameras!” but then have footage 0f the cameramen turning off their cameras. Deep down I still think it all really happened but they sure are making it look like a publicity stunt. I’ll be happy when we’re done with DeMario and Corinne.
The Guy Who Has Yet To Talk To A Girl
This fucking guy Alex. If you’ll recall, he was the douchebag nemesis to psycho Chad during JoJo’s season. He’s the guy who always thought he was going to be on the right side of history by calling out Chad for his antics but somehow ended up looking the worst. Hard to do when you’re going up against a meat stick like Chad but Alex achieved the impossible. And now he’s on Bachelor In Paradise and literally hasn’t said a single word to a female. I’m not sure he’s smart enough to realize that the goal of the show is to hook up. He likes to play the role of narrator but that’s gonna get him sent home real quick. I look forward to his exit tonight when all of the girls forget that he’s even there.
Also, if you’re spending your time doing things like this instead of hitting on girls who are trapped on an island with you, it’s safe to say things aren’t going all that well
The Mom Who Hates Her Kids (Amanda)
AND STILL, THE MOM-WHO-HATES-HER-KIDS CHAMPION OF THE WORLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD……….AMANDA STANTON!
Wait hold up. So you’re telling me her relationship with Josh Murray didn’t work out after they spent all of last season loudly sucking face? Shocking stuff. It’s inconceivable to me that a hot head like Josh wasn’t able to handle going from a beach in Mexico with zero kids to a regular dating situation complete with two kids. Anyway. I mean it when I say Amanda hates her kids. She went away for 8 weeks to be on Ben H.’s season of The Bachelor. She went away for another 8 weeks to be on Bachelor In Paradise last season. And now she’s back AGAIN. That’s a total of 6 months in the last 2 years that she’s been away from her kids. I mean I don’t blame her but I just want her to know that I know that she hates her kids. Her babysitter has to be making bank or her parents hate her.
Dream Chaser of the Week (Jorge the Bartender)
Very sad news here. Jorge the bartender is leaving Paradise to pursue his dreams of which I’m still not clear on what they are. I think he’s starting his own business. He cried. I cried. We all cried together. But you do you, Jorge. You do you. You’ve provided contestants with open ears and a shoulder to cry on for seasons now. All while feeding them strong drinks that make them do stupid shit for our enjoyment. It’s time for you to spread your wings. God bless you, Jorge the bartender. Wells will hold it down while you’re gone.
Person-Who-Looks-Like-They-Ripped-Off-Someone’s-Face-And-Put-It-On-Their-Own of the Week (Robby)
This title is Robby’s until he’s kicked off the show. I think I saw Robby in my nightmares last night. That smile is terrifying. That hair is plastic. Not to mention he uses words like “influencer” and “journey” so much that I feel like he’s gonna ask me to drink the special punch so I can have access to the UFO. Also, quick shoutout to Raven for saying she doesn’t like abs and won’t date a guy (the aforementioned Robby) who is prettier than she is. Score one for fat guys who aren’t good looking.
And that’s coming from a girl who looks like this
Asshole of the Week Award (Iggy)
This was a close race between DeMario and his whistle and Iggy. DeMario walking around with a whistle and blowing it at random times usually would’ve easily taken AOTW (Asshole of the Week) but Iggy did the impossible and was an even bigger asshole. Iggy hit it off with friend-of-the-program Lacey. They talked. They awkwardly kissed on the first day. He really liked her and she seemed to begrudgingly like. But then tragedy struck when Lacey’s grandfather passed away and she had to leave. Iggy responded by providing a half-hearted “my condolences” then INSTANTLY started freaking out about where his rose was gonna come from. Big time asshole move from a guy who was pretty unlikable already.
That’s pretty much it from the first episode. No one got sent home last night because ABC is milking the DeMario/Corinne drama for as long as they can but that’ll change tonight once they get that out of the way. We also had the return of Danielle M, shark girl Alexis, Vinny the barber, Jack Stone and Jasmine who’s caught in a love triangle but those storylines weren’t interesting enough to make this recap. Maybe next time.