Is It Blasphemous To Renounce All Religious Beliefs And Only Pray To Ginger Jesus, Carson Wentz?

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Is it blasphemous to renounce what little faith I’ve had left and devote it all to a NFL quarterback in the name of one city’s happiness? Why, yes. Yes it is. I’ve already said I’d eat my own dick to ensure a Super Bowl victory, just tack on an eternity of hell onto that Championship sentence. Still worth it. In the end, only Ginger Jesus saves more than Bernie Parent. And if it doesn’t work out, I can become the most notable Fallen Angel since Lucifer. Win-Win. Now getcha the most beautiful ugly sweaters known to man as well as all the other Philly stuff possible – 20% off. It’s sacrilegiously delicious!

We’re doing a whole telethon deal again tonight where Bartool’s Lord, Savior, and Führer – El Presidente – will be buried alive in the name of merch. Legitimately. Be sure to tune in, as we already almost had a death today on set when Brett was setting up for the event. After seeing those legs dangle I wouldn’t be surprised if a “Brett Was Here” was etched into that fixture like Brooks from Shawshank.

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