Barstool’s Champions League Preview – The “ELITEish EIGHT (Day 1 of 4)” Edition

Sam's Army4/03/2018 3:51 PM

Sam’s Soccer Safe Space For Stoolies

Hi haters,

No words necessary.

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CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

And then there were eight…………………

Are they “the best” eight clubs? Meh, probably not, but you don’t get this far without having some serious ONIONS – an anatomical feature that certain, likely more talented clubs came up shy on when it really counted

For the record, if I sound a little dismissive of some of the remaining teams in this or other blogs in the next couple weeks, keep in mind that that is not necessarily a knock on them, but rather is a reflection of the borderline ridiculous level of competition they are up against.

In fact, while we are on the subject of gratuitous qualitative assessments, let’s break the eight teams down into buckets (mostly just to give people something to bitch about):

• Big Three: City, Barça, Bayern

• Elite Ceiling: Liverpool – can play with anyone when they are on but prone to off days

• Wily OGs: Juventus, Real Madrid – half-step slower than some recent seasons (metaphorically but in some cases literally as well) yet tons of experience and won’t be an easy out

• Sacrificial Lambs: Sevilla, Roma – this does them a little dirty of course, as you can’t make it to the Champions League quarterfinals and suck… buttttttttt let’s just say they definitely have their work cut out for them this round

Now onto today’s games…

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Juventus [+175]
Real Madrid [+155]
Draw [+200]

Wily OG versus Wily OG in a rematch of last season’s Champions League final in which Real did unspeakable things to Juve’s lifeless body, walking away 4-1 winners.

Speaking of winning the Champions League: HUT TAKE ALERT!

This is a fun little matchup and should make for some entertaining sports-watching, however… it will ultimately mean nothing because neither one of these clubs is winning the Champions League this season. Sorry. Just ain’t happening.

Live look at Juve and Real fans rn:

The good news is my brain is dumb so by belittling two of the most storied clubs in the world I likely just ensured that one of them actually does win it – so you’re welcome (but, seriously, definitely probably not).

As for the game itself, calling it an age-old battle between Defense (Juve) and Offense (Madrid) is a dramatic oversimplification… but there are at least a few shreds of truth to it.

Juventus has quietly gone unbeaten in Serie A since NOVEMBER, and squeaked by Tottenham in the Round of 16. They have guys like non-Argentina Gonthalo Higuain and (especially) Paolo Dybala who can be game changers going forward, but per usual the club – albeit after some shaky performances last fall – has coalesced defensively and has not conceded multiple goals in a game (to teams not named Tottenham) since… wait for it… yep, NOVEMBER.

The Madridistas advanced to the quarterfinals by slipping past PSG, having been the beneficiaries of the Frenchies’ absence of Neymar and traditional lack of testicular fortitude. Real Madrid has been scoring for fun recently, in large part thanks to the resurgence of Ronny, who had a turrrrrrible first half but has come on strong this year.

So if we are comparing and contrasting the two clubs’ pluses and minuses, I’d give Madrid a slight edge both up top and in the midfield, and Juventus a significant leg up defensively. Real Madrid’s back line struggles have been a riddle wrapped in an enigma this season. The same players as last year have suddenly been making way more errors. To be fair, they have tightened things up a bit recently, but the club just conceded three goals to something called Girona – at home no less.

Point being, my guess is that Juventus will get more “better” looks at net and it will be up to them to finish. Could Madrid win? Absolutely. Isco is in incredible form at the moment and Resurgent Ronny is scoring with every other touch it seems, so if they end up being more clinical then that could be the difference. Having said that, I’m going with the club that has not given up three goals apiece to Betis and Girona in recent weeks. I originally went with 1-0 because it is a first leg and in Turin where Max Allegri will be desperate not to concede… but I’ll give Ronny the benefit of the doubt and say he slips one in at some point. Juventus to win 2-1.

One for each UCL finals loss?

Sevilla [+450]
Bayern [-170]
Draw [+310]

Should be an entertaining matchup, much more so than the return leg at the Allianz anyway, and I’d love to watch it on TV but FOX – in their infinite wisdom – has relegated it to facebook.

Sevilla are no pushover. They held Barcelona to a 2-2 draw this weekend. But let’s call a spade a spade: they are here in large part because Dear Leader Jozay is a huge wuss and refused to let his very expensive, very talented players play – instead over-managing them to play a conservative, boring style that ensures you won’t lose big but also gives less dynamic clubs a chance to snag a win. That’s precisely what the Spanish side did, and deservedly so.

Bayern is a very, VERY different beast. They just spanked the bejesus out of BVB on Saturday while already having one eye on today. I just don’t see how Sevilla could handle all the weapons – more than United and more even than Barcelona – that Ze Germans can throw at them [reminder: the World Cup is a couple months away so right about now is when Thomas Muller and James Rodriguez transition from damn good to great].

Okay, fine, I just thought of a way that Sevilla might have a shot: a red card, likely to Vidal. Other than that? My wee brain is drawing a blank, fam. Bayern to win 2-0.

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Another big, big, youge day tomorrow. Barrrrrrthelona vs Roma. And the real big’n: Liverpool vs City. Get pumped kids. It’s like a mid-week weekend. Praise be to the soccer gods.