World's Oldest Woman Is Turning 129 And Despises God For Letting Her Live So Long

DM – A Russian woman is claiming to be the oldest person in the world, but says her upcoming 129th birthday is nothing but ‘punishment’. Koku Istambulova, from Chechnya, says she has not had a single happy day in her entire life, and has no idea how she has managed to live this long. Istambulova, who shuns meat but loves fermented milk, believes it simply is ‘God’s will’ that she will live to see 129 next month. Asked how she lived so long, Istambulova told an interviewer: ‘It was God’s will. I did nothing to make it happen. ‘I have not had a single happy day in my life. I have always worked hard, digging in the garden. I am tired. Long life is not at all God’s gift for me – but a punishment.’

First off, it looks like we’ve got ourselves a reverse Danny Almonte/Manute Bol situation on our hands. There’s NO way this old bag is a day over 115. None. Without the eyepatch and I may even give her a spry 105. Still way too young for Nate. Regardless, to go as far as hating God for letting you live so long, um…no shit? Legitimate question: Is it even worth it to live past 75? Yeah you get to watch your kids and grand kids grow old and see civilization continue to climb to new heights and blah blah blah. I’m not sure I want to live past the point to where one’s most prized possession loses all it’s will without encouragement from a pill. But then again, acceptably shitting yourself with confidence and having every stupid, nonsensical thing you say be regarded as old fashioned or dementia are positives. Losing senility would be one hell of a fun ride.

I get Koku’s despise for all humanity on her big day. Sometimes you just get to the age where birthdays suck. Hell, I’m on the wrong side of 30 and want every birthday from here on out to solely involve a bottle of Woodferd, a gallon of Phish food, and a lot of regret. The least Koku can do is make it somewhat entertaining for the masses, kind of like our beloved Flossie Dickey who didn’t give a single FUCK about celebrating her 110th birthday. Flossie just gets it. Still one of my all-time favorite clips.

As awful as it is to say, Flossie needs to stay awake till she’s 210 for the world’s entertainment. And if she didn’t drop dead on the spot just to spite that entire thing, she’s got a lot more will in her. A world without Flossie Dickey is no world at all.

UPDATE: We are no longer in a world at all, and haven’t been for some time. Damn you, 2016.